my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
