Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
