In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
