my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
