Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
