I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
