I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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