dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
