I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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