Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
