I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
