I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
May the power of my ass compel you!!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
