He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
