Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
