Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
