one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize