so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
