I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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