I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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