Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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