Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize