I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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