I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
