So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
