If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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