I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
