I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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