and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize