My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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