I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
