That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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