i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
