Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
