Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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