got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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