Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
