i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
