I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
