I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
