I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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