the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
