Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
