i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
