There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
