If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
