I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
