I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
