Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
