called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
