obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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