hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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