I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
