At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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