Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
