Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
