paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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