whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
