The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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