I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
