So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
