Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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