soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
