I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
