I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
