I think my vagina is haunted
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize