Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
