Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
