Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
