I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
