I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize